As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
