not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
