It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
