tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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