im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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