mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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