How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I have fence marks all over my body
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
