all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I deserve this hangover.
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