Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
false alarm. still invincible.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
