She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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