I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
