The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
