Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
