Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I need moral support for this bender
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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