HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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