I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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