I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
