i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
