I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Dick very happy bro
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
