listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
