Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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