where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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