My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
