She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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