Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
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