Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
