some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
