there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
