I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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