i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
