i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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