Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
