if you like me you must not know who I am
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
sex in a hospital.. check
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
