It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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