My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
