these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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