fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
