i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
