I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
