first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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