And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
