I hate your face
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
