Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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