he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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