I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just had sex on a roof
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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