the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
