A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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