I feel like I'm in dance class right now
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
