So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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