Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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