3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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