So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
