I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
